What a subject on a fitness and health website….got your attention right? After you read the article you will see just how this fits into getting healthy and staying healthy. I have been researching this topic for a few days and of course my need to help people, women, men, couples, etc is at the frontline of my mission writing this blog. What I will be sharing is very candid, may shock some, offend some, and put some on the defensive. My intention is to inform you on a topic that has been proven to be at the very heart of ruined relationships, broken marriages, lost jobs, loss of family, lost lives, and loss of self. Many remain in denial of the damaging affects that porn, especially online porn, is having on their ability to function in reality. If you see yourself described in any way within this blog, I encourage you to seek professional help today. I will be citing from specialists in the field and reputable publications to start the blog off:
“it is coloring relationships, both long-and short-term, reshaping expectations about sex and body image and, most worrisome of all, threatening to alter how young people learn about sex” Time Magazine, The Porn Factor, Jan 2004, Health
"The Internet is the crack cocaine of sexual addiction," says Jennifer Schneider, co-author of Cybersex Exposed: Simple Fantasy or Obsession?
I realize that both men and women utilize pornography but studies show that the largest percentages are males “71% Nielsen/Net ratings 2003”.
"Men become like computers, unable to be stimulated by the human beings beside them," he says. "The image of a lonely, isolated man masturbating to his computer is the Willy Loman metaphor of our decade." Mark Schwartz, director of the Masters and Johnson clinic in St. Louis, Mo.,
Men became, in the words of Dr Margaret Redelman, the president of the Australian Society of Sex Educators, Researchers and Therapists, "lazy lovers". In the end they could not be bothered with real-life sex. In other cases, sex lives became porn-like, male-focused, extreme and lacking in intimacy.
Women feel as if “They can’t compete, and they know it. For how can a real woman—with pores and her own breasts and even sexual needs of her own (let alone with speech that goes beyond “More, more, you big stud!”)—possibly compete with a cybervision”….
The New York Times, The Porn Myth, Naomi Wolf
“A man can easily be drawn into porn, where he never fails in the fantasy and wh
ere he can be sexually stimulated without facing the issues with his wife. But the truth is, pornography neuters a man. He becomes so wrapped up in this fantasy world that he is no longer capable of being excited by his own wife. She cannot possibly compete with the airbrushed models in the magazines and on the computer screen, so the husband simply loses interest in her.” Dr. Dave and Donalyn Currie, Help, My Husband Does Not Want to Have Sex
“women are feeling the consequences of porn in numerous ways. We see eating disorders, body loathing, plastic surgery, and unrealistic expectations in girls and young women. We seem women equating their worth to their form and its sexual attractiveness. We see depression and sorrow as the acceptance and normalization of objectifying women spreads throughout the world.” Jennifer Jones, Mental Health Therapist, Does Pornography Help or Hurt Relationships?
What are your thoughts after reading the citations? What the hell is going on? A man struggles with being able to achieve and maintain an erection and to his probable embarrassment have an orgasm with a real woman. A woman feels inadequate, has body image issues, and feels the pressure to be a porn star with a man. A man feels insecure about having a relationship with a real woman, and retreats to his fantasy cyberchick over and over again until the fantasy becomes his sexual gratification. A woman takes on the feeling that she is not good enough to arouse and satisfy her man….he does not desire me, what else could it be? Well ladies and gentlemen…hold onto your seats…A team of American researchers from Stanford and Duquesne Universities has called cyber-sex compulsion a "hidden public health hazard". Sexual counselors and psychologists in Australia are less colorful. Brett McCann, a senior lecturer in the sexual health program at the University of Sydney, says it is a growing problem "with big implications for the public health dollar. There's no quick fix, and by the time the problem is uncovered, there's usually a crisis in the relationship."
Are you in a relationship where things do not feel quite right? As women have you been rejected by your husband or boyfriend and find yourself being the initiator of all intimate contact? As a man, do you find yourself scared to date, or initiate sex with a woman because of anxiety around non-arousal? Do you find yourself in front of your computer screen on a regular basis searching out cyber sex/pornography? Are you lying to your partner about your cybersex activities? As a woman, out of intimacy desperation, are you performing uncomfortable sex fantasies with your husband/boyfriend? As a woman are you feeling disconnected during the sex act with your husband/boyfriend? As a man do you find yourself having to recall a fantasy during sex in order to achieve orgasm? As a man, have you lost desire for your wife/girlfriend? As a woman, have you felt your partner become distant physically and emotionally? Do you see your partner preoccupied with the computer and brushing it under the rug?
Just a few questions to think about as you try to figure out what is going on. “The secret use of pornography is the true home-wrecker, according to most of the psychologists contacted. The most common pattern is for one partner to eventually discover the other's obsessive use. "When it's consensual use in a limited way, it's unproblematic," says Eric Hudson, the national president of the Australian Association of Relationship Counselors. "But where it is secretive, it is experienced as a betrayal of the relationship." Further, once the intimacy has reached a point where typically the husband/boyfriend has started withdrawing from his spouse/girlfriend, the fantasy addiction has reached its peak and brain chemical release no longer desires/responds to what his “real” partner has to offer.
This opens the door to explain just what is going on with the “WHY” your husband/boyfriend is not desiring you. First of all….it is not YOU!!!! I have had the recent opportunity to read numerous heart wrenching stories and cries for help surrounding the compulsive use of pornography and the damage it has caused to women and men.
Picture a person viewing cybersex or pornography and then look into their brain and body as the visual stimulation creates a release of chemicals; epinephrine, an adrenal gland hormone responsible to “lock-in” what created the experience occurring at the time of high arousal; adrenaline, adrenocorticotropic hormone (ACTH), noradrenaline, norepinephrine, testosterone, among others. This instant chemical hit or high created during the cybersex session can be created over and over again at the push of a button. Unfortunately the brain has created a memory or trigger that sexual release correlates with cybersex and eventually after habitual use responds only to that trigger. This also explains why men who view pornography habitually suffer sexual inabilities that they are usually embarrassed to admit: erectile dysfunction, inability to maintain erection, or inability to orgasm. Typically they will choose the fantasy cybersex for the “sure” sexual high that can be achieved rather than take a chance on feeling insecure or embarrassed being intimate with the “real” deal. As a man you may feel duped not having full disclosure of the side affects to compulsive porn use, and are struggling inside to even talk about it. I encourage that you can be better and recapture what was lost….the first step, if you are with a wife/girlfriend is to be honest. Your mate will probably be more understanding than you realize as she will also regain a part of her self esteem, not feeling to blame for the physical distance. Also, seek the guidance of a licensed therapist.
Men, I understand this is a very sensitive issue, one that many of you keep hidden, are ashamed about, and feel guilty to admit. Let me ask you…..is this good health? Do you want to hide behind a secret life that consumes you, distorts the true picture of intimacy, promotes lying and betrayal, robs your finances, puts you at risk to lose your job, and your family? Or do you want to be a man who lives a fulfilling, successful, happy life enjoying and KNOWING a true and REAL intimate relationship? I know this is laying it right on the plate and the answer probably is easy to say but not so easy to do, especially if you are already deep into compulsive using. My hope is to inspire you to reach for that healthy life….….
Women, I realize that you may feel like you have hit rock bottom if you are on the
receiving end of rejection and betrayal caused from compulsive porn use. I understand how feelings of sexual inadequacy, feelings of why am I not good enough, pretty enough, horny enough, and why doesn’t he want me, can be so overwhelming. You may be putting your self worth aside just to be with your partner doing and saying things that make you feel uncomfortable. Tell me….are you happy? Are you physically satisfied? Are you emotionally happy? Are you loving yourself? Are you being the porn police? I ask you…..are you living a healthy life? I am here to tell you that you are good enough, that your sexual needs do matter, you do deserve respect, and to inspire you to love yourself and let go of those things that you just can not control. You do have a choice to live a healthy life filled with happiness, success, and true REAL intimacy. If you are enabling a compulsive porn user….why? What are you getting out of the transaction? Why are you not setting boundaries? I will say the same to you…I know this is laying it right on the plate and the answer probably is easy to say but not so easy to do, especially when you love someone. My hope is to inspire you to reach for that healthy life as well…..
Although this message may be one some of you may not want to hear, I am
an advocate for good health, and healthy relationships, and the negative impact porn is having on many marriages and committed relationships is a matter that needs to be addressed. Further it is at the core of many health issues today: depression, eating disorders, body image issues, stress, not to mention ED. This article is not meant to judge or condemn, but a message to inspire you to be honest about where you are with your life, and to get healthy……..……
Stay Healthy!!!
Darla
I wanted to add a couple of helpful links
